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19 January 2007

Independent Thought

Just worth a quick peek at Thursday night's Celebrity Big Brother nominations.

Just to be sure that no "teams" are forming, or pre-deciding collectively who they'll vote out.


SHILPA SHETTY - received FIVE votes

JERMAINE JACKSON - received ONE vote
2. JO

DIRK BENEDICT - received FOUR votes

IAN "H" WATKINS - received ZERO votes


CLEO ROCOS - received ZERO votes


JADE GOODY - received FIVE votes

DANIELLE LLOYD - received ONE vote

JACK TWEED - received ONE vote

JO O'MEARA - received ONE vote

Just wanted everyone to be clear on that.

Big Brother, Small Minds

Channel Four has received - so far - 36,000 complaints via Ofcom about the treatment of Bollywood starlet Shilpa Shetty in this year's Celebrity Big Brother programme, produced by Dutch TV company Endemol. This figure will continue to rise.

In the wake of this, Carphone Warehouse - famous for their completely non-irritating adverts featuring bog-Irish animated phone Mobli - have pulled the plug on £3m of show sponsorship. Jade's Goody's perfume (the mind boggles) has been removed from shop shelves. And Danielle Lloyd has lost a modelling contract. Ouch.

What is certain is that Jade Goody, Jack Tweed, Danielle Lloyd and Jo O'Meara are being very, very nasty indeed to Shilpa Shetty. The jury seems to be out on whether Shilpa is suffering racially-motivated attacks, or if this is "simply" a girlie fracas involving intense nastiness.

Let's look at the evidence: Shilpa is Indian, middle-class, educated, from a professional family, and is now a successful Bollywood actress. She is intelligent, holds herself well, and above all exhibits tremendous self-control in the face of severe taunting. She is clearly well-raised. She hasn't been dragged up.

Let's turn towards Jade, now. We remember her tales of terrible life when we first met her in whatever BB series it was - drunken mother, absent father, mixed-race (odd claim, given her definite appearance of low-rent Essex girl), and so on.

We've since had the joy of meeting her Mum, Jackiey (spelling?). She used to be some kind of sea-monster, who - since Jade's rampant rise to ridiculousity - has been equally "owned" by the TV moguls, who've paid for all the fat to be sucked out of her, teeth veneered then capped, nips and tucks all over the gaff.

However, while this attention to Jade's mother has no doubt improved her visual appeal, it's clear that it has made no difference to who she is as a person. Underneath the newly-tautened, freshly-fricassed flesh on Jackiey Goody's alcholic frame, lies the same "underclass Briton", who refused resolutely to pronounce Shilpa's name correctly for over three days, calling her "Princess" or "the Indian". Christ, it's not a difficult name, Jackiey. But then, you seem to have trouble with your own name, so what would we expect? Thankfully, Jackiey went early days. Good riddance, ya grotbag.

My point is, the apple never falls far from the tree. This woman has been the only parental influence to Jade during most of her pitiful life, and much of that was under the influence. Is anyone surprised that Ms Goody Jr is rather like a younger version of Mrs Goody Sr? Why would you be? Do you understand genetics? Nature vs nurture? This was bound to happen.

Thankfully, despite the best intentions of the retard witches gang in the house, and despite their clear power over a division within the house, the public response to what is being seen on television is much more representative of the UK's feelings towards such actions: Jade and her crew are an ill-educated, gutter-mentality, unfortunately-significant minority.

Imagine: for every Jade Goody, there are 36 thousand folk who think what she and her cronies are doing is appalling. What would have really shown the UK up, here, would have been no response at all. I'm glad to see that support for Shilpa, and dislike for Jade, transcends all cultural, racial, age and income barriers within Great Britain. Read any comments you like, they're dispersed from all over these islands.

Let's see what's been said. This is by no means an exhaustive list:

Jade Goody: (to her face) You should go back to the slums. Your head's so far up your arse you can smell your own shit. (behind her back) Shilpa Fuckawallah. Shilpa Poppadum. Accent-mimicking.

Danielle Lloyd: (behind her back) I think she should fuck off back home. She can't even speak English properly. You don't know where those hands have been. People in India are thin because they're ill all the time from uncooked chicken. Accent-mimicking.

Jo O'Meara: (behind her back) No wonder I keep getting the shits (on the chicken).

Jack Tweed: (behind her back) allegations and suggestions that, during a whispered (and bleeped) conversation with his lovely wife Jade in one of BB's gripping night-vision bedroom segments, the chap referred to Shilpa as a "f***ing Paki". Channel Four have denied this. But then, even if it is true, he doesn't know what an embryo is, so let's ignore him as a stupid person. He really is nothing. He is a man with no brain. Let's hope he's a god in the sack, Jade can't be with him for his erudite conversation.

And these are just the bits we've seen on TV. Imagine how much of the 24-hour filming with god knows how many cameras - generating weeks of footage each and every day - hits the cutting room floor?

The Prime Minister, the proposed follow-on Prime Minister and the wannabe next Prime Minister have all commented, and Channel Four has had a 35-name petition from MPs land on their mat. Poor Gordon, overseas to build some good diplomatic ties with India, is instead dealing with this PR disaster.

Today, Channel Four have decided that there will be no baying crowd outside the house to meet Friday night's evictee, who simply must be Jade Goody. There was supposed to be a multitude there: ticketholders have now been told that they will be invited to a later eviction. The station has also decided to donate all the money generated by this week's text vote - deciding whether Shilpa or Jade leaves the house - to charity.

Trevor Phillips, the chairman of the Commission for Equality and Human Rights, has said: "What we are seeing is a noxious brew of old-fashioned class conflict, straightforward bullying, ignorance and quite vicious racial bigotry. It is outrageous, and it is unpleasant." Hear, hear, Mr Phillips.

I urge the public to bray and boo and make Jade Goody's life very unpleasant for her when she's seen out in public. Same goes for Jo O'Meara and Danielle Lloyd. Forget Jack Tweed, he's just some wannabe-warthog-shagger. I suspect he won't be invading the public conscience for terribly long.

One thing, I sincerely hope, is certain: this is the end of Jade fucking Goody and her retarded, poisonous kind. She's like that thug who won the lottery. Really, let me say this clearly: too much money in the hands of the stupid is a very bad thing. Celebrity without Talent. Power without Responsibility. Nothing good will ever come of it. Mahalo.

10 January 2007

For Pity's Sake

Grr. Twice this has happened to me in the last month. You head to the garage for fuel and a car wash. You fill your car, pay for the fuel - adding your Golden Shower ticket for the scrubber outside - and head back to your car, ready to zoom into the washer and head off.

Only some complete twat has pulled right up into pole position at the car wash, right by the little panel where you input your code to activate the infernal machine. I despair of the mentality of the person who behaves like this. Of all the selfish, thoughtless, ignorant, rude, idiot things to do. A less public-spirited display you could not hope for.

But fear not, I have a solution to these situations. Now, this only really works easily if you've got a little car, but I'm sure there are those among you out there who are pretty handy with your Mondeos. When faced with the above predicament: you are ready to wash, in your car, but some bastard has blocked the carwash entrance - simply drive to the other end and reverse in. Obviously, you must make sure there isn't a car in there already, otherwise this scheme will not work at all well.

Assuming the carwash is empty, reverse your car to roughly where it should be for washing (careful it's not breaking the beam, otherwise you'll get wet on the run back from the code panel), get out of your car, punch your number, back to the car, wind up the windows, (have you removed your aerial?), and roll forward until the light tells you to stop.

Then, sit back and enjoy as the numpty who thinks he's bagged the next car wash arrives to find you in mid-flow. Witness the smashing shut of doors, the banging of steering wheels. Never take your eyes off the idiot in your rearview. When you're done, stop your car purposefully just beyond the end of the carwash, while you reaffix your aerial. And stare at the prat, shaking your head gently from side to side.