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09 January 2008

Is that an election or are you pleased to see me?

The madness starts over, and the next year will be incessant American politiking. Woo. I'm putting my money on an Obama vs McCain final. I have also devised a simple way of eradicating candidates, and that's by looking at their campaign websites.

First of all - if your website does not automatically create a clever little icon, specifically designed to complement your campaign: you're out. I mean, come on. Seriously. You folks keep telling us how you invented t'internet, and your PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES can't rustle up bookmark link logos? Pah. Who's 'doing the website', chaps? Monkeys?

So, that eradicates the following: Bill Richardson (DEM), Alan Keyes (REP), Fred Thompson (REP) and Duncan Hunter (REP). Note the Republican-heavy slant here. Damn kids. Can't stop emailin' and textin' and surfin' the Interweb. Why can't things go back to how they were? I can't keep up.

So, let's actually visit the sites - and remember, folks, first impressions count...for the Democrats, please, alphabetically...

BARACK OBAMA - clean, crisp, no videos autoplaying, considered content, well though-out
BILL RICHARDSON - is already out of the race because of the lack of little logo. Twunt. He looks like James Belushi with a perma-tan. His site looks like CNN, anyway. Have a look if you can be arsed.
DENNIS KUCINICH - yeah, who? Not a great deal happening here, save for a rather pasty-looking, weedy chap giving the Churchill salute. Click through to grey vapidity.
HILLARY CLINTON - a splash picture of the Wicked Witch of the North, smiling. How heartwarming that is. Click through to slick, professional site that's easy to navigate. Just as you'd expect.
JOHN EDWARDS - second to Obama in Iowa, but not really a decent candidate. Boring to look at, listen to and engage with. Not overblessed with charisma. Website plays family card strongly (let's hope there aren't any old hookers in the closet. That is not a statement. That is a joke.)
MIKE GRAVEL - another bottom-feeder. Doesn't stand a chance, mainly because no-one's even mentioned him so far. At all. Has tried to make himself hip on-site by selling "Gravel Gear" (badges/buttons depending on pond alignment) - no joke - and also by trying to get 'with the kids' by linking campaign to profiles with YouTube, Facebook, Digg, MySpace, Google Groups and even - horrors - Second Life. Let's hope the campaign HQ ain't near no pedo-philes.

Let's see how those Luddite GOPs tackle the goshdarned infernal wurld wahd wayab. I'm rather regretting having done this, now; there's eight of the buggers:

ALAN KEYES - officially banned from this round, owing to logo-based transgressions. However, Barack Obama is not the only black man running the race. Yep, that's right. Alan is black, too. Nobody's mentioned Alan, or his blackness, and I suspect that's because nobody is voting for Alan, or even thinking about voting for Alan. Website: cheap and nasty. Have a look if you want, you sick pup.
DUNCAN HUNTER - another already on Skid Row, but let's give him a chance. It might have been 'an oversight'. Oh. No. It wasn't. If you want simple video embedding made simpler, have a butcher's. Scrolls down for far too long, and very untidily.
FRED THOMPSON - yep, an actor. I would never have an actor for President, it sends out very wrong vibes indeed. Also a logo-less offering. Fred's site doesn't disappoint: it's straight into Fred's head begging for money, and Fred wants you to Fill His Red Truck. No, Fred. You can buy your own fucking petrol. Goodnight Charlie.
JOHN McCAIN - John has a bookmark logo, and John's site looks like a beer brand. Woo! Way to go not having it all red and blue, John! But then, I suspect John likes the gunmetal and yellow masthead because the grey reminds him of the machines of war, and the yellow of the suns of Korea, Vietnam, El Salvador and Iraq. Yeah, fight 'em till they're all dead, John.
MIKE HUCKABEE - Mike, for a moment, you looked like you had a chance. For a moment. You are too nice, Mike. You are too good a person to get mixed up with this lot. Politics, like business, requires a bit of a bastard and you, Mike, are about as far away from 'bastard' as you could get. Mike's site is well-designed, compact and bijou. Perhaps even 'twee'. You won't win. But I like you, Mike.
MITT ROMNEY - did you ever set eyes upon a slicker, greasier car-salesman than Mitt? I wouldn't trust that guy with my kid. Also, and once again, loud and clear: THIS IS A JOKE - Mitt is the kind of guy where a woman or some other sleaze could come out along the line. His site is a side profile of Mitt ON THE FUCKING PHONE. He's the politician who listens. To another conversation while you try to get time with him. What a phoney. What a mountebanke. What a charlatan. Don't fall for this man, please.
RON PAUL - a name I keep hearing, but one who's name never seems to appear high up any results. Might be a dark horse, coming up late on the inside while the leader's already celebrating. Who knows. I certainly don't and wouldn't pretend to. Ron looks like a banker, and Ron has a spinning digital cash totaliser on his site. He hasn't broken a million bucks yet, so he's probably not going to be doing much on this run.
RUDY GUILIANI - Rudy displayed spunk and gumption during and following 9/11 (aka September 11th) as Mayor of NYC, but I'm not sure that the street-fighter world of city hall politics can be classed as qualification to go for the Big Job. Rudy would be run by advisers. He would be a puppet. Maybe America should take a leaf out of the rest of the world's governments and install a puppet regime? Might make a change. Also: the American press hates his gaudy wife. That's fatal.

Needless to say, each and every website seeks (primarily) your donations and (secondarily) your contacts so you can 'join the team'. I must say, there is something of the talent-show/popularity-contest/open-begging ethos about this process that leaves us normal democracies feeling slightly nauseous. The simple fact is, we couldn't be arsed to SELECT our candidates first BEFORE actually voting them into power. Far less DONATING TO THEIR CAMPAIGN! The process is dull enough as it is. There's no need to over-egg the pudding. Why not do all this in private among the party members (one member, one vote) and launch your candidates in, say, September? Cut it down a bit. That's the problem with any American venture - elections, wars, sports. They're all designed for TV serialisation. You guys love the long-game.


Blogger Wolfe said...

But if it wasn't for the reality television where would we be entertainment-wise?

5/4/08 12:40


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