Pedestrians & Motorists

It is a tangled web we weave. I do a lot of walking, and a fair bit of driving, and so I feel amply qualified to comment on both of the above, workaday activities. All are derived from direct observation, and so are equally valid assertions.

DRIVERS:

Please remember that, while the speed limit might be 30mph in built-up areas, this does not mean that you're being much safer if you drive around at 15mph. The frustrations that your driving causes to build up in the tailback of limit-loving drivers behind you makes the world, and driving in it, a much more dangerous place. If you are afraid of moving at speed, please stop driving and catch a bus, train, taxi (if you're that flush), or walk (see PEDESTRIANS below).

On the motorway, of all places, please use your mirrors and be aware of the space around you. Especially what's in that space. If there was ever a place where a sense of speed, space and distance were required as an absolute, it is on the motorway. If you can't see, or can't drive well, please stay away. You are a real problem, and from the look on your face as we pass you, it would appear that you agree with that statement. If you think it about yourself: perhaps worth doing something about it.

Still on the motorways: those of you who sit at 80mph in the fast lane are not guardians of public good behaviour, so - if you happen to see someone approaching at, say, 90mph in your rearview mirror (you are using your rearview mirror, aren't you?) - why not pull aside and let him or her pass you? You can tut if you like, just get the fuck out of the way.

Still on the motorway: if there is nothing on your inside lane to hinder you, pull in. Many consider the motorway divided into slow-medium-fast lanes: not so. You are allowed to attain the national speed limit in any lane. If there is nothing inside you, there is nowt to stop you doing 70mph in the "slow" lane. If everyone pulled into their offside lane when they weren't actually passing anyone, and indeed made the aim of the game to spend as much time in the outside lane as possible, half the snarl-ups wouldn't happen, or would certainly be greatly reduced.

BUSES:

I think these are the worst things on the road. I shan't even bother detailing the utter inconsideration they have for other road users. I shall hint at the fact that much urban clottage is caused by the fact that a bus has stopped up ahead and there's a queue the other way, so nobody's going anywhere. And have you seen the clarty filth that pumps out of that louvred panel at the back? Christ. Where's the environmental lobby against buses? That's why we've all got cancer. Poorly maintained, poorly driven, poorly public transport system.

LORRIES:

Please, please, please don't try to overtake each other up a hill on the motorway. Please.

In fact, let's take a leaf out of certain Eurozone member states' books: ban lorries on any road between 8am and 8pm. Then, let them loose. Yes, you've all got to drive overnight. But - you see - that's when there's no traffic at all, and you can drive as lorry-like as you wish.

Beer will have to be delivered to pubs by an enormous fleet of minivans.

PEDESTRIANS:

Please look when you are crossing the road. Look left, look right, look left again. As you cross, keep checking left and right until you are safely in harbour on the other side of the road. Where's the Green Cross Code Man when you need him?

Pedestrian crossings, though they may possess right of way for the walker rather than the driver, are not "perambulous freeways" that you can simply step out onto without looking. As with simple road crossing (see above), please look before you stomp the nuns. A sudden car in the pelvis can offend.

The point is, overall: we're all fuckwits. Watch out for each other, we're a blinkin' liability.