You Don't Need Superman (Returns)

I was just four years old when the first Superman movie came out in 1978; six for Superman II; nine when I saw Superman III; and had just hit thirteen when the last in the Christopher Reeve series finished the job of hammering the Man Of Steel into the collective celluloid consciousness. I hope you might be prepared to believe that this repeated exposure to Clark Kent and his heroic alter-ego directly led to my becoming a journalist, though there was no Daily Planet for me to work at. And spandex ain't ma thang.

Now, I am a man who likes to reignite those teenage years, to act childishly and play the fool. To cast my mind and behaviour back to earlier days. And so it was when I found out that there was going to be a new Superman movie: childlike joy welled up inside me, instantly. And so, to Superman Returns. Myself and the good lady have just wasted twelve pounds watching this complete pudding of a film. I really wanted to love it. I wanted to sit in a large, dark room with complete strangers and share the communal joy of seeing one of cinema's best-loved heroes brought back to life with renewed vigour, energy and compulsion.

Oh dear, team.

LENGTH

Superman Returns is 154 minutes long. That's two hours and 34 minutes. This is a long time to watch a movie. I don't mind watching long films. I do mind watching when it's clear that the Editor has just completed Movie Editing 101. There were at least three jumpy cuts that just left a bad taste in the mouth. It would have been fine if it had been 154 firecracker minutes, in the same way that Black Hawk Down is, never letting you catch your breath. This movie had me shifting my arse a lot, which is not a good sign. Before the film finished, I was already commenting at how slow, boring and fidgety it was.

ACTING

Top marks go to Brandon Routh as Superman - he completely fits the bill. He looks like the bastard child of Christopher Reeve and Tom Cruise. However, as both Kent and our eponymous hero, he has the mannerisms of Reeve down off-pat. All told, a decent lead male. He gets most of the funny lines.

Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor has his witticisms, too. But, and this is a criticism of the movie editing and dialogue more than Spacey's acting, there is no snappiness about Luthor. If you remember Gene Hackman in previous Superman outings, there was that jolly, mischievous side to his evil - here, Spacey lends more of a Keyser Soze air to the character, an air that is perhaps a touch too dark for the material we're dealing with here. It's not the same with Batman Returns - the original comic book, The Dark Knight Returns, was very dark and gothic. Superman never was - he was always good, wholesome, clean American fun. Lex should be a likeable baddie - not an out-and-out evil bastard. Anyway, while we're in the Lex arena, he has the most laughable collection of comedy henchmen you've ever seen on screen, including one who duets at the piano with the sickly kid.

Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane? No, no, no, no, no. I'm tempted to stop right there, but feel I should give her more. To start with, and here's a plot spoiler for those who want to avoid reading it - if so, jump over the next paragraph now.

PLOT SPOILER RIGHT HERE FOLKS
Superman actually returns five years after we last saw him. Lois is now in a committed relationship with child. The child, an asthmatic called Jason, is - we are led to believe - the son of Lois' new squeeze Richard. Now, here's the really nice bit. Basically, Richard's uncle is Daily Planet Editor Perry White. Richard is a top-flight journo at the DP, too, singlehandedly reviving the paper's fortunes with his excellent work. So, as soon as Superman does one five years ago, Lois jumps in bed with the boss's nephew. And says the kid is his. And lives in his fuck-off waterside house with...ahem...seaplane docked at the bottom of the garden. This allows the "my new man takes me up in the sky, too" line. Anyway, the kid isn't Richard's - it's Superman's. But he's obviously inherited his asthma from his smoking mom. Tsk.

PLOT SPOILER AVOIDERS PLEASE REJOIN MAIN CARRIAGEWAY
So, she comes out looking a bit of a bitch. Add to this that she can't really act very well, and all round a poor performance. Considering I was going to stop at the line of "nos", I've done pretty well there. The rest of the cast are all pretty much B movie performances. No awards here.

BIBLICAL REFERENCES - oh, Lordy Lord:

- archive material from Marlon Brando as Superman (Kal-El)'s father Jor-El from original movies - message about "the people of Earth are good, but they need a guiding light. And so I have sent my only son..."

- Superman takes Lois up above the Earth, right above, and asks her to explain Why The World Doesn't Need Superman (her Pulitzer-winning piece), because "I hear everything, and all I hear is people crying out to be saved." Cue luminescent light on planet and Superman's face

- falling back to earth in a cruciform position, having jettisoned large kryptonite rock into outer space

- cutting hands and fingers on kryptonite rocks and blood on hands

- Lois losing her faith (Why The World Doesn't...), to rediscovery, to reaffirmation (Why The World DOES...)

There are probably more, but the religious undercurrent of the movie was clear to anyone with half a brain.

MISSION
When Superman first returns, he's gazing at the TV, and we are treated to shots of the Iraq war, general global unrest and people running away from men with guns. So what does he do about this state of despair? He stops kids holding up liquor stores, and men robbing banks, right here in the Good Ol' US Of A. It would seem that, tug on the heartstrings though it may, the Middle East situation is too much for the Man Of Steel to contemplate. Let's look after America first. He does - according to news reports, show up in Germany and The Phillipines - but these were surely short, sharp PR outings: a bit of "winning hearts and minds" strategy?

DIRECTING
Bryan Singer, what has happened? You did such wonderful work with the X-Men series. With The Usual Suspects. Your hit TV show House won awards just weeks ago. Have you just gone through a bad patch? Did time overrun grossly? How did you manage to convince WarnerBros that this was the cut that they should release? Why was the film so goddamn slow? Where was the pace? The excitement? The comic book crash-bang-wallop? Sure, some lovely set pieces in there - the boat breaking over the growing crystal island, the burning plane full of journos (nice touch, mate), etc. But really? You can do much better than this Bryan. C minus. You're on report.

So, to all those radio DJs, pundits, entertainment journalists and members of the Great British Public who have raved about this must-see Summer blockbuster: I don't think we saw the same movie. You must be retarded - or if not actually retarded, someone with a complete inability to express their own, honest opinions. Swim away from the hype whirlpool, you're gonna drown, fishies.

SUMMARY
Boring. Overindulgent. Wasted opportunity. The movie equivalent of England's World Cup performance. And I said I wasn't going to mention football for four years.